Aside from the whole “jingle horse” thing, that is.
I listen to a crap load of Christmas music. The majority of it isn’t by choice. But I have some very strong opinions on Christmas music that I never really thought I would have.
Best Christmas Album Ever: John Denver and the Muppets-A Christmas Together
Extremely Close Second: It’s a Cow Christmas
Honestly, I think the only reason John Denver and the Muppets wins is because it’s easier to find and therefore easier to enjoy. But the songs on It’s a Cow Christmas are classic in their own right.
Best Christmas Song (three-way tie): Carol of the Bells, Jingle Bells, Baby It’s Cold Outside
Carol of the Bells: Classic. Amazing as a choral piece or orchestral. It’s one of the few songs ever to be made better by having sung it in choir. My reason for this is the tenor part: “Oh, how ha-a-ppy a-are their tones.” It’s cheesy, but I love it.
Jingle Bells: It’s just a happy song, what can I say? I cannot, however, get on board with Jingle Bell Rock. Screw that. Jingle horse…..
Baby It’s Cold Outside: I never fully appreciated this song until Elf came out. Seriously, watch that. Actually, I suppose you could say I never fully appreciated Christmas or Will Farrell until Elf came out. Anyway, it’s a little bit naughty, though perhaps not so much by today’s standards. It’s cheeky, that’s for sure. It’s not outright Christmas, so it can be played for months on end and still have meaning. In fact, I sing it in the middle of summer when the night time temp drops below… oh… 80. For this ghoti it’s almost always cold outside. I also appreciate duets, perhaps more than the average joe.
Worst Christmas Song EVER: Do They Know it’s Christmas. Most culturally insensitive song to ever be written. Here’s the lyrics, but let me highlight a few of the gems.
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
And the best line of all–the one I hoped to god I was hearing wrong:
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you
Excuse me? Thank god it’s THEM? Why should I be thankful they’re suffering? Let’s forget for a moment that many Africans probably don’t give a rat’s ass that it’s Christmas. If you are writing a song that is supposed to inspire people to help others, why they hell would you add a line that says, essentially, be thankful there are people suffering enough that you can help them. That deserves a good old fashioned Lewis Black freakout. Too bad it doesn’t translate well into blog, and I can’t do it as well as The Hippy can anyway.
Well, baby, it’s cold outside, and I left work early to heal and sew. So heal and sew I must start doing.